The Struggle Bus

I think about blog posts all the time. I think about all the things I want to say. I’ve opened the page and I’ve closed the page. I’ve started posts and I’ve deleted them. At the end of every day I question it all. I question will people really read them? I question if they even care. Today I will finish this post and I will tell you how I’ve been feeling since Bellatrix was born. Read it or don’t. Either way it’s important for me and for other people that I write it.

Let me start this by saying I am not suffering from Postpartum Depression. I see my doctor regularly so there is no concern of that. However, for those who are suffering, you are not alone. I implore you to read about it, talk about it and see your doctor and know that there are resources out there.

I am on what I like to call the struggle bus. I know I’m not alone but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t feel lonely some days. I’m struggling to be a good wife. I’m struggling to be a good worker. I’m struggling to clean the house. I’m struggling to be me. Before Bell came along I had Karli and life was great! She would come to work with me, she would help me clean, she would help me make dinner, we would go shopping together. I mean what more could a mom ask for? When Bell was born she enriched that life that we already had and continues to. But those struggles I listed above scream at me silently every day.

People ask how I’m doing and most of the time how can I really say anything other than great? I mean should I tell them how tired I am? Not because my child isn’t sleeping. (It’s okay to be jealous. She’s an amazing sleeper) I’m tired because my mind is running a mile a minute with everything I need to get done. Should I tell them I don’t know how to balance my time anymore in any aspect of my life? Should I tell them that I want to cry almost everyday at work because I’m no longer the same worker I was before Bell was born? I’m overwhelmed and I take on too much because I’m a workaholic but I can no longer stay late like I used to or come in early like I used to. Should I tell them that I need to learn to be a better wife because I know I say mean things when I really don’t mean it? Or maybe I should tell them that I’ve become a horrible friend because I read text messages and forget to respond sometimes. Maybe I’ll tell them about the tumbleweeds of dog hair that are floating through the A/C breeze in the hallway that I always say I’ll get to but when I actually have time I’m just so tired that I choose not to.

No wait, maybe I should tell them that I’m insecure about EVERYTHING. I’ve always been a little insecure about being a mom but with Karli I had to hide it because I want her to be confident and strong. Now my insecurities have doubled. Am I making good decisions for Karli AND Bell? Am I setting good examples? Don’t even get me started on my insecurities on my body now. How am I supposed to teach my daughters self-love when right now I don’t feel any of that?

So how am I doing you ask? I’m okay. That’s the most honest answer I can give. I have my beautiful daughters, my amazing (and annoying sometimes) husband and we are all healthy and happy. What more could I ever possibly ask for? I know life gets a little easier and a lot more hectic. I embrace it all and I welcome it with open arms.

2 Comment

  1. When you become a mother it is a balancing act. You don’t have to do it alone. I love you and you are a great mom.

  2. this pulled at my heart strings in every which way. I’m in tears on my lunch break.. this is so raw and so real… and christ I can relate. thanks for sharing, Crys. its literally been my own thoughts for the last year and a half. you’re doing great. really. great mom’s are the ones that question themselves because they genuinely care. keep on truckin, girlfriend… YOU GOT THIS! 😙

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