The harshness of reality and the journey to change

I’ve had a few people ask me if I was still writing for this blog. I was a little shocked because I didn’t think anyone actually read this blog. I responded with yes of course! BUT (there’s always a but) I’ve been struggling emotionally and with my words. As anyone who has had a baby, or even major weight loss can understand, I don’t always feel the same way about my body as I once did. It’s different now. It’s not like it was before I was pregnant (duh).

A little over a year ago I wrote a blog post about my journey into weight loss and going into the gym. (Click here) Shortly after I began that journey I became pregnant. The part of going to the gym only lasted two months due to doctors orders of not being able to do much except walking. I had an amazingly healthy pregnancy. I gained 31 pounds and I lost all the baby weight by 4 weeks postpartum.

Here we are almost 9 months postpartum and I’ve been able to maintain my weight. I call it pre-pregnancy weight. The truth is I stay pretty consistent at the same weight so it’s not really pre-pregnancy weight. You would think I would be happy right? I was, I guess. I mean I was really fortunate in SO many ways throughout and after my pregnancy. I don’t take any of it for granted. But now when I look in the mirror all I see is that my stomach hangs lower and there’s more excess skin there than before. My hips are wider and I feel like my butt is bigger. My breasts are a little different than before. How am I supposed to write a body positive blog when I wasn’t feeling positive about myself at all? All I could see, and still see, was everything that I thought was wrong with myself.

I know I created a life, I know it was a miracle. I know all that and I hate when people try to remind me of that. I stare at that miracle everyday and am so incredibly blessed. Does that mean that I’m not allowed to be unhappy with myself? Does that mean that I’m not allowed to feel like almost every new mother does at some point? Does that mean I can’t write a blog any more because I’m supposed to be encouraging women but I can’t even encourage myself? No. I have to let myself have these feelings and work through them. I have to be able to talk about them to others because what if what I’m feeling or have to say helps someone else?

I was texting a girlfriend of mine recently and she was one of those who asked if I was still writing for the blog. I explained how I was feeling and her response hit me “I think it’s fine to be honest and not necessary to have a happy ending, make it in terms of a continuous thing you’re working on. I think on the internet especially among moms we could use more honesty and less perfection.” So here I am. No perfection and all honesty. I have started going back to the gym with the help of my boss. He’s been an amazing support system and he’s always been a great friend. I’ve started eating healthier and I cut out soda. That means no more McDonald’s coke, so basically my world is collapsing. (I’m just kidding, calm down) I will fail and I will succeed and I will try not to beat myself up along the way. I will try to praise myself when it’s right and give myself pep talks when needed. Maybe I’ll lose weight, maybe I’ll gain muscle. My goal is to be healthier and to be happier with myself. I’ll figure the rest out along the way.

 

I had to bring Bell with me to the gym one morning. This is my boss entertaining her

 

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